Dispatches from the Commission

“In the case of Adam Byrd versus the State of Alaska…”

Adam Byrd allowed his lips to curl into a smug smile. It was a new place, a new time, but it was all the same. There just wasn’t enough evidence to put him away – he was sure of it. Of course, the lack of a jury was new…

The judge continued without stopping.

“I hearby find the defendant guilty of sexual assault and murder. These charges each carry a class six sentence, to be carried out immediately, per section three-three-two-five-one-seven-one-one of the Alaska Emergency Code. This session is adjourned.”

Adam’s mind flickered in confusion, his smug smile fading in an instant. He found himself yelling.

“What the fuck was that? This ‘trial’ didn’t even last a week! Give me a public defender! I want an appeal!”

Nobody seemed to hear him as he was dragged out.

—

The cops remained silent underneath their gas masks, as they loaded Adam into the rear of the squad car and took off. The driver turned off the police radio – for a while, all they heard was the hum of the engine, the grind of the tires underneath.

The prisoner couldn’t take it, after a half-hour. “Hey, pigs! You taking me to some other facility? Borough jail isn’t this way.”

A voice came from underneath the driver’s mask, though he didn’t turn to look. “Sure. We’re taking you to a different facility,” he said, with an edge of pained sarcasm.

“Good, because I want to meet with my lawyer. You guys sure handle shit fast and loose here, I’m entitled to legal council.”

The other cop turned, the windows of his mask reflecting Adam’s face. The name “LEWIS” was embroidered over his left pocket.

“You really never asked how the law works in this state?” asked Lewis.

Adam was incredulous. “What?”

“You never thought to, you know, look into the legal system? Given… current events and the like?”

“Hey, fuck you. I know my rights.”

Lewis tourned around, shaking his head. “Jeez-us. You’re one stupid ‘chako motherfucker.”

The prisoner wasn’t sure what the cop meant.

—

The squad car pulled over into the snowy clearing by a gravel pit, freshly thawed by the start of spring. The driver and Lewis stepped out, Lewis turning to open the back door.

“Are we stopped for a piss?” asked Adam.

“Get out.” was the only reply.

His legs and arms both cuffed, Adam shuffled out of the backseat. After a few bound steps toward the pit, he turned his head. Lewis, arms folded, was simply leaning against the car – his arms folded, mask expressionless.

The driver, whose nametag read “ROBERTS,” was screwing a black cylinder onto his sidearm.

“Woah, guys. I’m not going to try any shit. Is one of you going to help me with my pants though?”

“On your knees.” The voice came from Roberts.

“What?” Adam’s voice trembled, just slightly, enough to betray his belligerence.

Roberts tightened the cylinder, let his hand drop with the sidearm. “On your knees, prisoner. Now.”

His arms too bound to fight, his legs too constricted to run, Adam knelt. “What the fuck is this? Are you sick faggots going to mak-”

A bag came over his head, cutting his speech and vision short. He felt a boot land painfully on his ankles, heard Roberts’ voice behind him.

“By order of the state courts, per section three-three-two-five-one-seven-one-one of the Emergency Code, this class six sentence will be carried out.”

Lewis’s voice from further away. “We’d ask for your last words, but I don’t care enough to write them down.”

Adam flew into a panic. “Wait, you can’t do this! It’s illegal!” He began to scream for help.

Roberts pulled the trigger.

—

“Dibs on his shoes.”

Lewis began to pull the white rubber boots off of Adam’s remains, as Roberts kicked white snow over a quietly-growing red puddle. “Jesus Christ, Wes. Have some respect for the dead.”

“Given what he was charged with… no. Doesn’t seem right.” Lewis finished removing the boots before turning his mask to face Roberts. “Besides, these’ll trade well. Probably feed my kids for a week.” He began to root through the dead man’s pockets.

“Trading for food is illegal.” Roberts retrieved a length of rope and a pair of cinderblocks from the car.

“So report me if you care so much, Dave. Everyone does it.” Lewis pulled a couple of gold coins from the corpse’s pockets. “You want his money?”

Roberts was silent for a moment. “Yeah, alright. ‘Chako bastard doesn’t need it anymore.”

Flipping the coins to Roberts, Lewis removed the cuffs from the body, and the two wordlessly set about tying Adam’s body to the concrete blocks.

As they hefted what was left of Adam Byrd, and stepped toward the pit, Roberts glanced at Lewis. “You ever worry about the verdict?”

“You were there, man. This guy was a sick fuck. He couldn’t be any guiltier if he tried – bet he was that SoCal Strangler from a few years back.”

“Yeah, I know.” The two heaved the body, watched behind their expressionless masks as it splashed in the pit and quickly sank.

“But what about the others?”

And then, existential/temporal crisis. Thorough, but not total. Enough to keep one’s eyes open.

Those admirable architects of ascendant acts in the area of experimental post-electroskapunkafunkatronica are at it again! The Expatriates, fresh from their three-classroom tour, have announced the release of their new operatic piece, ahead of yet another three-classroom tour. Entitled “The Flurry,” it chronicles the journey of a young man to the strangely static lands of his origin, and his return to to the ever-mounting challenges of the present. When asked about the inspirations for the group’s P-ESPAFAT operas, band frontman James L. Tuddy responded “no they’re not based on any life experience. Shut up. No you’re an idiot. This interview is over.”

And so it was.

Multiple newsfeeds have already chimed in with their opinions on “The Flurry.” IO9 calls it “not related to sci-fi in any discernible way,” the office of senate candidate Joe Miller stated “please stop calling and taunting us,” while The Stranger raves that The Expatriates “have once again sent us something for review,” and the Valu-Saver coupon book suggests “they could get really good deal on linoleum siding!”

As announced at the group’s press conference (conducted in the halls of SCCC with anyone who stopped for even a second), “The Flurry” will be available online as a Civilization V map or Windows 95 Service Pack, and will be at retail on Iomega Jaz cartridges, or, in select locations, on sticky tape and rust.

Tracklisting:

The Flurry
We Don’t Use The “P”-Word in This House
“Seventeen!” Cried the Humbug
Non(Secular + Sense) or A Reductive Process
Week and a Half (or Was it Years?)
The Late Hatch
Dwindling Remainder
Not So Big or Little a Hurry
Alaska (Sky Sailing cover)
A Dull Green Glow
The Old Homestead (Interlude)
Jetpack Blues and Sunset Hues (Anamanaguchi cover)
The Late Hatch (reprise) / Spider (They Might Be Giants cover)
You Got Premise in My Conclusion!
Revolution (a Beatles cover, as whistled loudly while walking past the Revolutionary Communist Party booth on the sidewalk)
Can’t Answer That For So Many Reasons
An Alliance of Past And Future Selves
Somewhere in the Between (Streetlight Manifesto cover)
The Select Areas of My Cowardice
The Waking Panics
Union and Hope (Enemies of Enormity cover)
The Thin Red Tape
Rule 2: See Rule 1
The Flurry (reprise)
May – December (Mos Def cover)

To the surprise of all, those brilliant bringers of bouncing experimental post-electroskapunkafunkatronica beats, Dash Pow, have announced a brand-new three-part non-musical release. Entitled “Alternate Realities,” the album will be at retail approximately twenty feet from now, and, according to a recent interview with band frontman W. Curry Bartholomew, does contain a continuation of the “Leave It, Take It” arc, though he refused to specify which tracks were, in fact, a continuation.

Dash Pow’s latest has already drawn considerable critical acclaim. The Stranger writes “Alternate Realities made me pee a little, but the good kind like you want,” and The Lone Gunman says the album is “a clear mind-control or conditioning plot by the state,” additionally noting that the band is slated to appear on Amero bills “as soon as the NWO gets around to that.” The Seattle Weekly notes that “this album can fit into the appropriate player, and sound will likely be produced by it,” while the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner did not publish a review as they were far too busy with a tea party, and the Tehran Times lists Dash Pow as “a clear threat to Iranian sovereignty.”

“Alternate Realities” will be available (as always, just out of reach) online as a .voi file download, or in stores on PlayTape or Capacitance Electronic Disc.*

*Store personnel have been ordered not to provide any information to consumers that could result in acquisition of playback devices for these formats. Cyanide capsules have been dispersed – plan accordingly.

Tracklisting:

Reality 1
Skian Skirmish (Homestuck cover)
Acknowledging the Elephant
An Honest Aim
The Warp Core Breach (Uncomfortable Things You Don’t Remember Saying)
Won’t Be Caught Up In You (Matchbox 20/38 Special mashup/cover)
A Habit of Humoring
We’ll Burn That Bridge When We Come To It
The Fixed Stars And Enduring Tragedy of Light Pollution
Canaduh
Makes An Excellent Side Dish
Descend (Homestuck cover)

Reality 2
A Clumsy, Overbearing Word
Sends Her Regards
Sex Robot Theme Song (WKUK Cover)
Limitless Capacity for Ambiguity
Sinking to Instinct (Flickering Lights)
Countin’ Gs – The Thug Enumerator Lifestyle
Gangster Penguins
The Services My Forces Provide
Trichotomy
Miss Means and Mister Ends
Maybe Next Decade

Reality 3
A Good Run
Mirrored Preoccupations
I Suggest You Do So On A Forum Not Frequented By Beekeepers
The Ever-Hastening Flurry
Never-Ending Romance Disaster (Anoraak cover)
Oh Fuck That’s Coming Up
Your Poonis is Showing
See What Happens
1989 (Mindless Self-Indulgence cover)
From The Homelands Expansion
Another Winter (Anamanaguchi cover)

Now finished with their latest trip to “The Studio” (the group’s private low-orbit space station), the eminent experts of experimental post-electroskapunkafunkatronica, Hostile Respondents, have released their latest continuation of the “Leave It, Take It” opera. Entitled “Pile of Refusal,” the album follows the ongoing story of the young Faiakan, now living among the gleaming spires of the Emerald City, trying to survive his seemingly-harsh environment.

The reviews for the album are mixed, ranging from “amazing” to “life-changing.” The Seattle Times calls the album “sublime and delicious in all the right places,” The Stranger says “we actually saw the album in a store,” while the Seattle Weekly writes “this album got me to convert to Ba’hai, and I couldn’t even understand any lyrics.” Meanwhile, the Seattle P-I wonders “if we post a review, will anyone even read it before buying ‘Pile of Refusal?’” while the Fairbanks Daily News-Miner simply devoted their entire Arts section to a scathing review (causing an inexplicable 2.7m copies of both the paper and the album to be sold in a state of only 600,000 people).

“Pile of Refusal” will be available for download in .ram audio files with bad links, and will be available at retail in a pack of several HitClips, or on piano roll.

Track Listing:
1. The Wanting Comes in Waves (Decemberists cover / intro)
2. No Cause for Optimism / That Sinking Feeling
3. Story of a Man Who Carved Statues of Mid-90′s Clip Art (a Montage of Events of Limited Consequence)
4. Welcome to Plan B (Five Iron Frenzy cover)
5. The Ever-Elusive / One-Dimensional Communiques
6. I Feel Better (Hot Chip cover)
7. Mind The Perspective
8. Ethereal Beings are We / With A Skyward Gaze
9. Never Give a Knife
10. Nububug
11. Cream, No Sugar (interlude)
12. Video Kid (Birthday Massacre cover)
13. I Believe The Term is “Drone”
14. Surprise Bags / Not Hot Yet
15. Usual Haunting
16. Take Me Off Your List (Take Me Out by Franz Ferdinand / Kiss On My List by Hall & Oates mash-up / cover)
17. He Really Took Charge of the Situation
18. Pile of Refusal
19. If Only A Year
20. The Slow Road to Progress (overture)

Announcing, brand new, from the scintillating seers of song, those magnificent musical masters, top-notch talented tune-makers, the phenomenal OR Smoot! The legendary group of pioneers that invented the experimental post-electroskapunkafunkatronica genre, have released a new Live EP in celebration of their collaborative west-coast tour with the legendary psychedelic post-acid-hop MC, DJ Gregor. Entitled Anchorage Syndrome, the album contains never-before-heard tracks from the tour itself, as well as recently-remastered, from the vault titles hailing back to OR Smoot’s 1972 Siberian tour.

The reviews are in and universally glowing. The Juneau Empire says they’ve “never heard” of OR Smoot, the Capital City Weekly calls Anchorage Syndrome “outside of our scope,” and The Stranger writes “new album? We thought they were on vacation.”

Anchorage Syndrome is available in stores now, in K1 Magnetophon reel and Fidelipac cartridge formats, or can be heard by dialing an unlisted 800 number. Just keep dialing, you’ll figure it out eventually.

Track listing (starred tracks from the west coast tour):
Here and Now
Unexpected Dichotomy / Blue and Gray
Wake The Fuck Up (Prodigy cover)
No Need To Explain / Ice Bat (feat. Adventuress)
Perpetual Past*
The Empire / Nickel Tour*
Geek Residence Transmogrification*
Better Fey Than Day / For Practical Reasons*
Anchorage Syndrome*
Pterodactyl Noises (feat. The Australis Commission)
Governor-General John R. Steadman / Pok-Poks*
Markedly More Pleasant*
Hotboxed An APC And Invaded Amsterdam*
Spectral Locomotive
Our Year
Maybe This Time (Cabaret cover)

After a long stint in the recording studio (during which they did, indeed, roll the marijuana up and smoke it like a cigarette), the reviled, renowned, and now revisited experimental post-skapunkafunkatronica group The Breadmakers has released their new album; “Haunted by Sourdough-Applesauce”. A partial continuation (non-canonical, they insist) of their previous work, “Leave It, Take It,” “Haunted” has already been hailed by critics; the Seattle Times calls it “almost certainly an album,” The Stranger raves that it “did not immediately set our stereo on fire” and the Seattle P-I says “we aren’t even printing anymore, dipshit.”

As an added bonus, the physical release includes a side-B, containing the, as the band describes it, “late-term aborted album” “Epidemic,” in its first-ever North American release (or release of any kind). The “Haunted / Epidemic” two-pack is expected in stores five minutes previous the moment this is read, and can be found in electrical transcription and elcaset formats, just in time for the holidays, wherever non-music is sold.

Disk 1: “Haunted by Sourdough-Applesauce”
1. Times Long Since Buried (2-2m Years)
2. A Man from New Zealand, a Trail of Devastation, an Apology Note Written in Green Highlighter (feat. M. Farrar)
3. Laundry Day / Not Waiting for the Hammer (feat. AB-Positive)
4. Jail and All (feat. Hosengott)
5. Unexplained Phenomenon (feat. AB-Positive, Hosengott)
6. The Dangers of Diablesque Games
7. Sarcastically Glad To Know You (feat. Rosetangle)
8. One Gate – Two Gate (feat. Rosetangle, Pohaku)
9. Just Don’t Go (feat. Pohaku, DJ Llysara)
10. Haunted by Sourdough-Applesauce
11. Install A Beak In The Heart That Clucks Time In Arabic (65daysofstatic cover)
12. Thankful (feat. MC Maddison, M. Farrar, Spanks, Thug Lyfe, DJ Llysara, MC Ooooooz, MC Johntrary, Zarina, Soupspoon, Dee Tan, Pohaku, Grindholme, Luvino)
13. Just Weird
14. A Year Best Left (feat. MC Llysara)
15. Upward Unto Dawn

Disk 2: “Epidemic”
1. The List of Things We Will Never Understand About Him (And Its One Entry) (feat. MC Farrar)
2. A Perpetual Christmas Eve
3. Oh Yeah, I Totally Know You (feat. MC Ooooooz, DJ Lancaster)
4. Welcome Home (Coheed & Cambria cover, feat. Arcadia)
5. Properly Animated Phaser Arcs or “Just Had To Know” (feat. Cryptic Studios)
6. Drove Through Ghosts To Get Here (65daysofstatic cover, feat. ClickPicTony, DJ ActionHero)
7. Epidemic
8. Gravity Belies Serendipity / You Lucky Bastard (feat. MC Johntrary, DJ Gothsheep)
9. Define “Serendipity” (feat. MC Johntrary)

Sanity is in short supply these days, but there’s a five-for-two sale on crazy.

Non-music is in the works.

and now I’m positively buzzing on it and the caffeine.

Few things can match Everything Goes Numb, though. Such memories of the times we listened. Halcyon days, those.

In accordance with my neurosis, I check the details on fire stations, police stations, museums, all that sort of thing, usually to rename them. The library had an extra button, besides “okay” and “rename,” one marked “ruminate.”

I clicked the button, and it resulted in this.

I very much relate to the way Gaiman thinks about cities, in this, but I imagine he wouldn’t be a famous author if his work were not relate-able on some level.

Also, this probably isn’t new to anyone who’s played an amount of SimCity 2000. Being that I played it mostly before the age of reason, it was quite new to me. Passing it along is a free action, anyway.